alms and elves in relation to each other's mess

i hate christmas.

there, i've said it.

i don't know if it's the crass commercialism it forces itself on people (yeah, i guess that's it) or the extreme pressure it puts on people to bond with relatives and friends, but i really hate it. not that i hate bonding and commercialism. sometimes, they do have their advantages, believe me, even if examples elude me this very minute. basta meron!

ever since the last decade, i have come to associate christmas with these things. so yeah, maybe i am a bah humbug when it comes to gift giving. hey, i like to share stuff with people any season, so don't pressure me to do it this season, okay? as for the relatives, don't ask. it used to be fun when i was in grade school and high school, and maybe that's just it -- i grew up and grew out of it. i guess one can outgrow christmas, because that's what happened to me.

i remember spending christmas with the relatives from the fatherside and the motherside gang. reunions such as these are not really so warm and hallmark-y in our families. my dad and tito are really not so crazy about each other, and there was one gathering where they nearly bit each other's heads off. hay talaga, men. as for the motherside naman, i guess i'm way too young to catch the drift of most of my cousins back then, but when it was time for me to grow up, it was time for them to not catch up with my drift naman. so there\'s the rub. what does that mean? talk of having babies, getting married, blah blah blah, turning me into a "real woman" daw because i am a lesbian (and i shudder to think if their only definition of a real woman is being with a man, hay, i pity these heterocentric heterosexist lost souls). ewan. so with set-ups like that, who wants a reunion????????????

not me!!!!!!!!!

but i go there anyway because of the other people that matter whom i truly care for. like my mom. siya lang naman talaga eh. i love my mom and i want to go to every reunion to protect her, so that the person they'll bother about my sexuality is me, and not her, and then maybe i'll just pingpong back their snotty little comments and and hit them back in their snotty little aaaah, i digress... and then there was my fatherside lola, but she already passed away years ago, and she was already in canada when i started college so that added to the distance already there. there's my sister but she's already in california. there are a few cousins here and there, but i prefer the company of those younger than me, because them i can still talk to clearly and remind them about not being bigots. there are the titas who take care of my mom especially when she needs them during times when i want to scream at the people that hurt her. and the cousins that support her, too, plus the cousins that broadcast on the same frequency that i do (and pity for those who are stuck on the shortwave of things, tsk). there. masyado bang judgmental? siguro dapat lang no, since they have been judging me naman behind my back ever since i came out eh. so paano ka naman gaganahang bigyan ng pamasko ang mga pamangkin mong tinuturuan ng mga kamag-anak namin na ako ay isang abnormal person just because i love another woman? do i have to slap my 8-page resumé at their faces every time they bring that up? or do i have to narrate to them every accolade and honor i\'ve won in my life just to prove my worth? but why should i do that? baka sila dapat ang mag-prove ng worth nila, lalo na kung they stick with husbands who punch them, rape them, degrade them, rob them for their drug addictions, you name it, mas marami akong isasampal sa inyo. and don't mention hallelujah religion to me rin, ipakita ko sa kanila kaya what the other passages of the book of leviticus are all about. then we should all be in hell right now.

divah? zha-zhaaahhh sabi nga ni zaturnina. but i digress...

ewan. but back to christmas. i am here alone, my life partner is in her home town to celebrate christmas with her family there, and i'll spend new year's there. i'm just waiting for mom and pop to pick me up because i'll be spending christmas there in marikina and tomorrow with them, too, in the reunion at provident. i'm okay here alone naman except when the carollers come.

i don't know about these kids. they just sing like they want to get to the last verse asap so they can just collect the moolah. moolah my ass. since when did carolling become a stylized approach to begging? (er, tama ba inggles ko? grammar police, ayudame!) when i was a kid, carolling was the best part of christmas. well okay, getting moolah from ninongs and ninangs is, but it\'s second best. kina-career ng lola nyo ang carolling dati, complete with props na pinitpit na tansan strung up with alambre and a copy of the jingle christmas chordbook na ninakaw sa chordbook collection ni papa.

ewan. lalapitan ka sa resto, mag-aabot ng envelope with some tatak of a charity org that you don't even know if it's legit, or lalapit lang sa kotse and will say "ate, namamasko po. sige na." tapos pipilitin ka 5 frigging times! hay ewan. sabi nga ni m, ganyan kahirap ang buhay, they treat this as an opportunity, not a sincere celebration of a supposedly joyous event chuvaness. can't help pitying these kids but can't halp resenting the way they contribute in further ruining the season for me. hindi lang naman sila eh, pati rin mga adults daming gimik na ganyan.

ewan. i am writer, thy name is scrooge. bah humbug. ghost of christmas past is ferdinand marcos, ghost of christmas present is gloria makapalgal arroyo, ghost of christmas future is fpj. juana dela cruz, saang kangkungan ka na pupulutin matapos nitoh????????

diiiing! ang batoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!