overdreamt

i like this song:

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never reach the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know that they won\'t win


but i like the version of sixpence none the richer, ha, not the crowded house version. iba ang dating pag sixpence ang approach. ewan, parang mas maganda.

it's twenty to five in the morning as i type this. what time is it in your universe now?

bad trip. may sipon ako. i can't sleep still (obviously) so here i am.

had the annual concon last night. masaya siya. loot country!

my beb didn't call me up today. i wonder why. i hope she's okay there today. i miss her so much.

had a nice nightcap with dré and yari tonight. nice to have their company here at home over wine and beer. malamig nga lang sa moulin rouge lounge namin kaya nanlamig ang mga byuti namin. hence the baradong ilong. asar.
but other than that, i enjoyed their company. hm dapat pala inimbitahan ko din yung iba. but that's okay. next time siguro.

pero isa pa ngang sixpence uli diyan... grabe nice song. oh sorry, nagsa-sound tripping kasi ako dito kanina pa. so ayun. now ko lang truly na-appreciate yung rendition nila ng song. i like the song na before but i like it better now. hm, i must really be getting old...

alms and elves in relation to each other's mess

i hate christmas.

there, i've said it.

i don't know if it's the crass commercialism it forces itself on people (yeah, i guess that's it) or the extreme pressure it puts on people to bond with relatives and friends, but i really hate it. not that i hate bonding and commercialism. sometimes, they do have their advantages, believe me, even if examples elude me this very minute. basta meron!

ever since the last decade, i have come to associate christmas with these things. so yeah, maybe i am a bah humbug when it comes to gift giving. hey, i like to share stuff with people any season, so don't pressure me to do it this season, okay? as for the relatives, don't ask. it used to be fun when i was in grade school and high school, and maybe that's just it -- i grew up and grew out of it. i guess one can outgrow christmas, because that's what happened to me.

i remember spending christmas with the relatives from the fatherside and the motherside gang. reunions such as these are not really so warm and hallmark-y in our families. my dad and tito are really not so crazy about each other, and there was one gathering where they nearly bit each other's heads off. hay talaga, men. as for the motherside naman, i guess i'm way too young to catch the drift of most of my cousins back then, but when it was time for me to grow up, it was time for them to not catch up with my drift naman. so there\'s the rub. what does that mean? talk of having babies, getting married, blah blah blah, turning me into a "real woman" daw because i am a lesbian (and i shudder to think if their only definition of a real woman is being with a man, hay, i pity these heterocentric heterosexist lost souls). ewan. so with set-ups like that, who wants a reunion????????????

not me!!!!!!!!!

but i go there anyway because of the other people that matter whom i truly care for. like my mom. siya lang naman talaga eh. i love my mom and i want to go to every reunion to protect her, so that the person they'll bother about my sexuality is me, and not her, and then maybe i'll just pingpong back their snotty little comments and and hit them back in their snotty little aaaah, i digress... and then there was my fatherside lola, but she already passed away years ago, and she was already in canada when i started college so that added to the distance already there. there's my sister but she's already in california. there are a few cousins here and there, but i prefer the company of those younger than me, because them i can still talk to clearly and remind them about not being bigots. there are the titas who take care of my mom especially when she needs them during times when i want to scream at the people that hurt her. and the cousins that support her, too, plus the cousins that broadcast on the same frequency that i do (and pity for those who are stuck on the shortwave of things, tsk). there. masyado bang judgmental? siguro dapat lang no, since they have been judging me naman behind my back ever since i came out eh. so paano ka naman gaganahang bigyan ng pamasko ang mga pamangkin mong tinuturuan ng mga kamag-anak namin na ako ay isang abnormal person just because i love another woman? do i have to slap my 8-page resumé at their faces every time they bring that up? or do i have to narrate to them every accolade and honor i\'ve won in my life just to prove my worth? but why should i do that? baka sila dapat ang mag-prove ng worth nila, lalo na kung they stick with husbands who punch them, rape them, degrade them, rob them for their drug addictions, you name it, mas marami akong isasampal sa inyo. and don't mention hallelujah religion to me rin, ipakita ko sa kanila kaya what the other passages of the book of leviticus are all about. then we should all be in hell right now.

divah? zha-zhaaahhh sabi nga ni zaturnina. but i digress...

ewan. but back to christmas. i am here alone, my life partner is in her home town to celebrate christmas with her family there, and i'll spend new year's there. i'm just waiting for mom and pop to pick me up because i'll be spending christmas there in marikina and tomorrow with them, too, in the reunion at provident. i'm okay here alone naman except when the carollers come.

i don't know about these kids. they just sing like they want to get to the last verse asap so they can just collect the moolah. moolah my ass. since when did carolling become a stylized approach to begging? (er, tama ba inggles ko? grammar police, ayudame!) when i was a kid, carolling was the best part of christmas. well okay, getting moolah from ninongs and ninangs is, but it\'s second best. kina-career ng lola nyo ang carolling dati, complete with props na pinitpit na tansan strung up with alambre and a copy of the jingle christmas chordbook na ninakaw sa chordbook collection ni papa.

ewan. lalapitan ka sa resto, mag-aabot ng envelope with some tatak of a charity org that you don't even know if it's legit, or lalapit lang sa kotse and will say "ate, namamasko po. sige na." tapos pipilitin ka 5 frigging times! hay ewan. sabi nga ni m, ganyan kahirap ang buhay, they treat this as an opportunity, not a sincere celebration of a supposedly joyous event chuvaness. can't help pitying these kids but can't halp resenting the way they contribute in further ruining the season for me. hindi lang naman sila eh, pati rin mga adults daming gimik na ganyan.

ewan. i am writer, thy name is scrooge. bah humbug. ghost of christmas past is ferdinand marcos, ghost of christmas present is gloria makapalgal arroyo, ghost of christmas future is fpj. juana dela cruz, saang kangkungan ka na pupulutin matapos nitoh????????

diiiing! ang batoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

block and books

i guess it's not so much the lack of time that hits a writer when sitting in front of a computer, but the lack of energy to write. who has energy left to write when one spends lots of time reading stuff on the web? sometimes, it is indeed bad to read too much.

right now, i'm reading haruki murakami's SPUTNIK SWEETHEART. i wanted to read this ever since i bought it early last year, but that stupid RING movie zapped out all the interest i have for anything japanese, especially in literature and cinema (but i still like tuna sashimi). so the mere mention of a jap name sends shivers down my writer spine. kaya i put off reading this book. inuna ko ang mga secondhand book finds ko na mga lesbian-oriented, like SWASHBUCKLER which i found sa secondhand book floor ng national bookstore sa cubao. ewan, kakaiba. maganda yung topics niya, historical siya 'day (think greenwich village, n.y. before '69 stonewall), but the writing doesn't grab me much. i guess doon na papasok yung good grasp of the language critique -- walang masyadong grasp dito, ni hulagpos wala. hard for my mind to hold on to. kaya it took me months to finish, grabe. as in. forever book siya. (pero wala pa ring tatalo sa forever book ni m na tatlong taon na yata niyang binabasa haha pero natapos na rin niya sa wakas)

pero babalik ko na lang yung resolution to read at least one novel per month. starting this month, although i doubt if i can finish the murakami this month, with all the non-literary happenings and all. hay... saka siguro babalik muna ko sa old reliables, like coupland and winterson. i read somewhere na may bago yatang novel ang lolo douglas ko, kaya may-i-buy din ako. also may projects din ata si lola jeanette so i'll check that out, too. wala pa sa powerbooks, pero tingin tayo sa iba.

kaya pala lately, helpful yung FASTFOOD FICTION: SHORT SHORT STORIES TO GO anthology namin sa anvil. indeed, i got back into my reading phase when i began reading that book. maganda nga yung concept na wala pang ten minutes each, tapos mo nang basahin yung mga kuwento sa ikli nila. cool. kaya lang nga, nakakabitin at frustrating minsan, parang every 6 mintues or so, you have to reorient yourself to a new world view, new pov, new characters, new scenario etc etc kasi nga bagong work yung binabasa mo. in that aspect, i miss novel reading, kasi sa novels at least tutok ka, sanay ka na sa isang guide na tutulong sa yo, and then handa ka nang dalhin sa iba't ibang direksyon. yun. kaya eto, sisimulan ko nga ulit yung novel reading ko. for my noursihment na rin. kaka-miss ding magbasa offline.

strange

if jesus is lord and god is a dj, who should we thank for the music?

wala lang, just thought of that strange thing after reading lots of strange things lately. saddam's capture. jesus is lord for president. ocho-ocho glo. paul van dyk's bio. press magazine. jewel turning pop-ish (as in, ngyah, sya pala kumanta ngstanding still??? like hello girl, where have you been?). anonymous letter circulating on the net about this american hating pinay nurses. joey marquez ayaw magsalita sa pag-amin ni kris na nagkikita pa rin sila (like, want another std, girl? o baka rifle naman hintayin mong itutok sa yo?) ceasefire. www.ipl.org (may ganun pala?). project gutenberg. 'i thought i was a feminist ek ek ek ek' sabi ni jane fonda who turned 60 years old a while back. melanoma and eva cassidy (again, proving our point ni hech na we have to have a tragic life in order to be famous!!! pero syempre iba rin naman itong ke lola eva. may she rest in peace.) segregationist US senator has half-black daughter. vatican condemns saddam capture video (finally! they condemn something that needs condemning talaga, not homosexuals or condoms this time!!!)

the list goes on.

sometimes i wonder if reading is a liability, much more if comprehending 98% of what you read is a liability. or if watching the news is a liability, because they are so negative. or maybe, like the 7habits guy said, it's just how i react to things that's a problem, and the things are not the problem. but if the thing is not right, then where's the problem there? or what?

hay wala lang. also thought of how my friends have loads of time (seemingly) to read new stuff, or is it just me who's behind in my reading list? was checking out my friends converse in indi's murakami blog and i'm surprised they can catch up with latest publications, more so read them. how come they have much free time ba? hm. ewan ko ba. maybe sometimes, priorities differ lang, that's all. been feeding my mind lately with other stuff online that when i get offline, parang ayoko nang magbasa pa. my email lists alone are enough for data-gathering, e. so informative, from literary to political (local and abroad) to quirky. you name it. ayun.

well, i guess this is just me whining. got home past midnight and slept at around 1.30a i think and then suddenly jolted out of bed by 5a and i don't know what gives. does stress make you lose sleep? well yea, duh, i guess so.

see, the sun is so up already. when i sat here in my computer it was still kinda magic hour-ish. now its wakethefuckupyou'relateforworkalready hour. at siksikan na sa mrt by now. hm.

i think i miss being a kid. no cares, playtime all the time, eat all you can without thinking of vain things. hay where are those days now... grownups. when we were kids, we were always hurrying to grow up. now that we're here, we do the damnest things to get back to our child in us ek. hay. people will never be satisfied, i guess. hay.

this is what it sounds like when doves cry.

hoppy holey daze

"holey floors, batman!" sabi ni chris o'donnell as robin in the joel schumacher-directed BATMAN AND ROBIN. sabi ni george clooney as batman, what did you say? tapos sabay turo sa sahig si robin at sabi niya, may butas yung sahig kaya holey floors. ngak! right there and then, schumacher just parodied or paid homage or whatever you'd call it sa '60s batman series where robin always said stupid lines like 'holy smokes, batman' or something inane like that. whatever.

what has this got to do with this entry? nothing. it's just holey, holey alliance heheh. hay gutom na ko.

holey daze ang holidays kasi lately, with the weird weather we're having and all. it's weird that the task force pride moved the annual pride month from june to december in order to have the annual pride march moved to december din para hindi siya ulanin. eh as i am typing this holey entry, the rains are gloriously pouring outside my window. wah. defeats the purpose. it's near noon and the march is around 3 so what happens next? hindi yata fresh yung eggs na inialay nila sa sta. clara church. hm.

strange headline from commondreams.org
"For 50 Years, 'Atoms for Peace' has Spawned Nuclear Fears"

atoms for peace. haha. what about quarks for progress? or leptons for democracy? or baryons for change? hahaha strange. la lang. subatomic mind fission...

tapos kinakatamaran ko lately ang pag-attend sa mga bagay-bagay which i associate with depression lately. december 1 was world aids day. may concert around that time but i think i've outgrown concerts like that years ago, since i started covering for pulp magazine. hm. i dunno why. then there's december 8 which is national lesbian day. i wanted to check out the goods pero kasabay siya ng wedding ni rey pinsan ko which i also pocahontas-ed because my tummy acted up. oks lang naman daw na di ako pumunta, the food ain't that good, according to a reliable source of a tita heheh. anyways, i would have wanted to see what type of girl would settle down with that cuz of mine, curious lang. hope she takes care of him, and vice versa. miss ko rin yung dude na yun, lalo na when i remember how i terrorized him with my driving skills when he was coaching me how to drive heheh. that was really fun.

december 10 naman was human rights day, but nothing right seems to go my way lately in terms of spirits. nado-down talaga ako, which means christmas is fast approaching. hay. talaga naman. kala ko kahit stable na ang aking life in all aspects, oks na ang yul(brynner)tide(panglaba) season(knorr) ko. eh, ewan ko ba...it still hits. kaya nga ganda ng prompt naming huli sa palh online workshop ko, about the chilly december air. i created a dazed female character that is absentmindedly walking in the middle of the street while voice flashbacks run in her head. got good feedback from them, too. cool.

hay naku, to march or not to march. up sappho's not marching as sappho because dré is in marinduque as we speak for a class project thingie, so she wasn\'t able to organize the kiddies. me naman, sa isis contingent ako sasabit pero that, too, seems, awkward now, and i don\'t know why, maybe because m has to split agad by 6p because of a meeting. ngek, bitin, e nagpapasama siya doon. hm, we'll see... hay naku, ano ba to.

isa pa palang chuvaness yung sa next week. we start taking over the project we endearly called labrys. hehe. swish! putol ang __ mo! swish swish! labrys, the official blade of the lesbian generation. wah. i'm hungry.

wala. nate-tense lang siguro ako doon. excited na tense, alam mo yun? ewan. basta. yun. ciao.